Ben Heckendorn's N64p -VS- The Nintendo DS!


 "One shall stand... One shall fall." - Optimus Prime, from Transformers The Movie

It's time for everyone's favorite yearly feature in which I compare the latest Gameboy to one of my portable creations! (Nintendo is kind enough to release a new model Gameboy every year, making this annual feature possible)

Since the DS appears to be roughly the same as a Nintendo 64 (but with blockier-looking textures and of course DUAL SCREENS) I figured this would be a good match! We'll go by categories and see who comes out on top!

Upon boot-up, has you "Tap Screen" after reading a health warning before you can play?
N64p: NO
Nintendo DS: YES

Hm, should I get my diaper changed before I continue too?

Ok, I'm all for safety and not getting run over by cars / hit by asteroids, but a "tap screen to continue" health warning on a pocket game system??? That's just ridiculous - not to mention bothersome! What if similar things were on other electronic devices... cars?

The new 2004 Cadillac, with Wet-Nurse Safety Control - standard!

...or cell phones?

Phones with cameras feature additional warnings RE: voyeurism

The sheer loss of accumulated productivity would cripple the nation! (Not the mention cause a lot of "tapping" to go on)

Has new "re-mixed" versions of games you already bought 8 years ago?
N64p: NO
Nintendo DS: YES

Yes, sadly enough your existing library of games will work perfectly fine with the N64p. (Well, the ones not requiring the expansion pak at least) But if you really hate money feel free to buy them all over again (along with Mario Party 64 - as in the 64th game) for the DS. I'm detecting a pattern...

Gameboy Advance/SP = NES/SNES games all over again

Nintendo DS = Nintendo 64 games all over again.

By this logic the next Gameboy (coming this Christmas I'm sure) will allow you to buy all your existing Gamecube games all over again, but now on 2.5" discs!

Has a built-in calendar and a screen asking you to select which game to play?
N64p: NO
Nintendo DS: YES

Likely press release about these features:

(For immediate release): "The Nintendo DS has some great new features people are gonna go nuts for! First there's a clock - not just some numbers but an actual emulation of one of those old "dial" clocks you may have seen in the movies or your Grandma's house. If that's not enough a full-function calendar sits next to it. Think of the possibilities! When you're writing a check out to buy the latest re-release of an N64 game for your DS you can avoid the embarrassment of asking the clerk the date altogether!  Simply whip out your DS, power it up, tap the screen to acknowledge you accept the danger, then check the clock! Not only will you know the date but you'll look uber-cool doing it! (Or so our research suggests)"

"The fun doesn't stop there however! No siree-bub! On the OTHER screen (remember it has two!) is a display that lets you select which cartridge slot you'd like to play from. This allows you to keep 2 re-releases of old games in your DS at the same time - saving you time but not money! There's also a Picto chat thing so you can wirelessly chat with other DS users in study hall / business meeting / airplanes. (Ok, maybe not that last one)"

"Another special feature of the DS is its ability to require a restart after you do anything. Once reserved only for Microsoft Windows, the DS outdoes that OS in spades!"


Allows you to touch Mario?
N64p: NO! A thousand times NO!!!
Nintendo DS: YES!!!

It's a-me, Mario! Back for more money!

Unlike the N64 version (which was obviously a piece 'o crap without this feature) you can touch Mario (or that dinosaur thing) and distort their face like a monochromatic Picasso. Wow.


Well, the two units seem pretty neck-in-neck thus far... but of course there's one more hurdle....

The always-popular CAVE TEST!